March 8, 2013

View from the porch

The origins of the doughnut booty


As my regular fans and readers already know, I’m a fan of the Real Housewives. I don’t watch religiously, but I do dig the shows. Naturally, some of the franchises appeal to me more than others; for example, I’ve given up on the Jersey girls because I can’t stand Teresa. On the other hand, the Real Housewives of New York City seem a pretty bright bunch. They’re mostly articulate and, when it comes to business, they’re savvy like foxes. Bethenny Frankel, an original cast member of RHONY, raked in a fortune from her Skinny Girl margarita, the reduced-calorie ready-to-drink alcoholic beverage she developed and promoted while still in Housewife mode. Meanwhile, Beverly Hills Real Housewife Brandi Glanville currently has a bestseller tell-all book, and I was delighted to learn from the Huffington Post that high-heeled shoemaker Adrienne “the Hoof” Malouf is saying adieu. You may remember Adrienne as the one who started out saying, “Friends do not sue friends.” It only took her a nanosecond to break her own rule.

The Real Housewives of Miami are nothing but scandalous. For starters, they can barely keep their clothes on and have the most bodacious bodies. It doesn’t hurt when, like Lisa Hochstein, hubby’s a plastic surgeon. But the Miami mammies have nothing on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. The Atlanta ladies are loud. They’re full of sass, short on class, and the biggest, loudest one, NeNe, is now a breakout TV star. But what the Atlanta gals have got is back, as in “Baby’s Got Back.” These ladies have royal rumps.

A theme that has dominated the current Atlanta season is Phaedra Parks’ and Kenya Moore’s faceoff in a protracted booty battle. Phaedra, by profession a legal analyst and lawyer, hired Kenya, a former Miss Michigan USA, to produce a buttocks fitness video Phaedra calls “Donkey Booty.” The two squabbled, and Kenya stalked off in a huff only to turn around and produce her own derriere vehicle that she calls “Stallion Booty.”

Long ago, a boyfriend of mine (this was when I was in my 20s) told me my hindquarters resembled “a pretty pony.” At the time I took this as an insult. I only wish my rear end now looked as good as my pony’s. And it might, if I had a special girth to hoist the thing back up. After our children were born a friend from college remarked that she didn’t care how big her booty got as long as it stayed high and hard. High and hard, I think, was the premise of Jane Fonda’s trademarked workout. A few years ago I wrote a column for this newspaper in which I analyzed Bedford butts, studying and rating the rear ends of practitioners of yoga, Pilates and horseback riding. All I can say is that it was a very tight contest.

A week or so ago I bullied my husband into accompanying me into the city. We went to a photography show featuring the work of Charlotte Dumas. In the show, titled “Anima,” Dumas photographed U.S. Army Horses at Arlington National Cemetery whose job is to pull military funeral caissons. (A friend said they also pull wedding carriages.) The portraits in the exhibit revealed the animals at rest, their work day over, just as they were nodding off. Their expressions were limpid, vulnerable in the fading light.

After the exhibit we decided to head downtown, where we wound up at a tiny, adorable coffee bar called Jack’s Stir Brew on W. 10th St. I had a lovely espresso, it’s crema so perfectly executed and its flavor so intense I felt like weeping. Then we began hiking back to our car in the drizzle. I was thankful for my waxed canvas Barbour riding jacket.

“Fancy a Krispy Kreme?” Mr. Sax said as we trotted along the wet sidewalks. All those episodes I’ve made him watch of “Downton Abbey” have obviously rubbed off. He’s also taken to calling me “milady” around the house. Should I laugh or be furious? But before we could locate Krispy Kreme, which I swore was on W. 23rd, we stumbled on the Doughnut Plant. We exercised restraint; we didn’t eat any in the car. But as soon as we were back home in our own kitchen with our own French press, we tore into the bag.

The next day, I was filled with deep regret. Glaring into the bedroom mirror, I realized that I’ve developed hindquarters Kim Kardashian would be proud of. My pretty pony butt has now completely bypassed the Donkey and possibly the Stallion booty to become an entity in its own right. I decided to call it the Donut Booty. It is soft and roundalicious, if you don’t mind made-up words.

It will take rigorous exercise and willpower to work off the Donut butt. I have to remember that many men love it, and if you’re into booty culture, it’s deluxe. As for those donuts, if you happen to be in the vicinity of W. 23rd in the city, do try the peanut butter-and-blackberry jam-stuffed or the coconut cream donut. Nowhere near Manhattan? The new cinnamon donut at Tazza is also excellent.

Read more local coverage of your hometown in this week’s issue of the The Record-Review. Newsstand copies are available at several locations listed above, or subscribe today for convenient home delivery.

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The official newspaper of the towns of Bedford and Pound Ridge, New York


Pound Ridge/Scotts Corners

  1. Scotts Corner Market – Trinity Corners Shopping Center;  55 Westchester Avenue

  2. Pound Ridge Sunoco — 66 Westchester Avenue    

  3. Sam Parker Country Market — 257 Westchester Avenue    

Bedford Village

  1. Bedford Rexall Pharmacy — Hunting Ridge Mall; 424 Old Post Road  

  2. Village Green Deli — Village Green; Routes 22 and 172    

  3. Bedford Shell — Routes 22 and 172 (at blinking light); 848 So. Bedford Road

  4. Village Service Center —193 Pound Ridge Road (at Long Ridge Road intersection)    

Bedford Hills

  1. Bedford Hills Deli – 7 Babbitt Road    

  2. Bueti’s Deli – 526 Bedford Road (Route 117)


  1. NoKA Joe’s – 25 Katonah Avenue    

  2. Steger’s Paper Mill – 89 Katonah Avenue    

  3. Katonah Pharmacy – Katonah Shopping Center; 294 Katonah Avenue   

  4. Bagel Shoppe – Katonah Shopping Center; 280 Katonah Avenue    

  5. Katonah Sunoco – 105 Bedford Road

Mount Kisco

  1. Teamo/Mt. Kisco News – 239 Main Street    

Cross River

  1. Bagel Boys Café – Cross River Shopping Center; Routes 121 and 35    

  2. Cross River Shell Station – Route 35    

  3. Cameron’s Deli –  890 Route 35    

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